GUYS. Did you know Aaron Rodgers has a bad calf? That’s not good for a quarterback. But I have a solution. I’m going to buy Aaron Rodgers a truck. There ain’t nothing in the rule book saying a football player can’t be inside a motor vehicle. I know, because I checked pressed Ctrl+F and searched for vehicle actually I skimmed through the rulebook and it doesn’t look like a player is ever defined, so a player could be anything. They could even be figments of our imagination. So lets put Aaron Rodgers inside a truck. He’d be unstoppable probably.
It’s important we pick the right truck though. We can’t put Aaron Rodgers inside a Dodge Ram, because he isn’t looking to mask his own doubts about his masculinity with a giant ass truck. We can’t put Aaron Rodgers in a Toyota Tundra because he isn’t trying to buy a family vehicle without looking like he’s giving up on life. Aaron Rodgers needs a truck of the people — a Ford F-150 or Chevrolet Silverado are our two go-to choices. Since Bergstrom Chevrolet is the Official Car & Truck of the Green Bay Packers, the Silverado it is.
Lookin’ good, Aaron!
Putting Aaron Rodgers in a truck offers a lot of advantages for the Packers. For instance, you could not tackle a truck. It’d run you over. You could only hope to stop its forward momentum long enough for the play to be whistled dead. That’d be hard, since a Silverado weights 5000 pounds, and Seattle’s starting defense combined weight 2721. It’s hard for a person to stop a truck from moving.
The Silverado would have a lot of drawbacks, though. All snaps would have to be in shotgun, so that Corey Linsley could get the snap through the Silverado’s window. I’m sure he could do it with a bit of practice, but getting it into the window is important. Otherwise the ball would fall to the ground and Aaron would have to unbuckle and get out of the cab and all of that is going to take a really long time. The Packers could play it safe by having someone else receive the snap and hand it to Aaron through the window, but then Aaron Rodgers isn’t the quarterback anymore and I don’t like that. Another problem is that, from the shotgun, the truck is pointed towards one of the sidelines. Trucks aren’t exactly nimble — the smallest circle a Silverado can do is 47.2 feet, about the distance between the hashes on the field. In my head, I’m worried that Aaron would have to turn the truck at such a low speed that a massive gang tackle might actually stop the truck. That would be really embarrassing.
But maybe the most disappointing thing is that the Silverado just isn’t very fast. Given the entire field it could get a head of steam. But the Silverado’s 40 time is 4.53 seconds, slower than Seattle safety Earl Thomas and only 0.03 seconds faster than Richard Sherman’s time. A Silverado’s big advantage is that it’s heavy, and it has an eventual top speed faster than anything a person could run. Past 40 and it’s gone. But what if one of them runs down the truck, opens the door and strips the ball? That’s something that actually might be possible.
Oh and Aaron Rodgers couldn’t throw the ball. He’s a right handed quarterback, and the window is on the left.
Even worse is what Aaron Rodgers with a truck would do for his public image. He has a squeaky clean image judging from how he’s always selling me stuff on the TV. Would people feel the same way after they see this?
This is a bad idea and I’m sorry you have read this.